letting it be

lots of time to myself over the general church assembly - was anne h's "wheels", getting her from event to event or back to her abode for some r&r - waiting in the field house foyer and the stunning doering science center atrium. maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but worked well for me. and proved the vehicle for some pretty pithy insights.

at first, it felt like i was - once again - intentionally setting myself on the outside looking in. until it hit me that i was only there because of anne, that i'd be at home or at "no assembly required" if it weren't for helping make sure a friend got to experience what she could to the fullest. which meant a lot to me, this being the first assembly that she's experiencing without her beloved kent by her side.

it's hard to describe to people who still have their life partner how it can feel to go to something that you've experienced for decades & decades as a couple, but now you're alone. and it's not even that long since kent passed, almost without warning, just as they'd moved out of their home and into new digs at a very nice full-service retirement complex. it didn't hit me until RIGHT NOW that i thought of being on hand as a convenience, but it also meant that she still had someone next to her most of the time.

it dawned on me that many of the people there are folks who enjoy connecting, who are savvy in the ways of networking. i am all talk - lots of talk - and very little skill at drawing people to me and crafting genuine connection. more piffle & run.

recognized several things. first, i get claustrophobic in settings like the assembly. it's not that i get antsy because of feeling like an outsider, but that i hang outside of things because of basic claustrophobia. same reason john & i would attend the early part of the bisys christmas party, then cut out to go to the nearest barnes & noble. being around a lot of people gives me the creepy crawlies. new awareness ~ i don't hang back due to socializing problems but due to the physical sensation of feeling fenced in.

i have a booming, monotone voice that is not easy for people to process. new awareness - find a way to lower, deepen & soften my tone. less brash, more easy listening!

it wasn't that i held myself back from the essential part of the assembly. that has never been, to me, about the plenary sessions or the workshops, but about people - seeing old friends, making new ones. and THAT i did with great enthusiasm & unabashed glee. new awareness - i experienced the assembly exactly the way i love best.

it meant the world to me that anne seemed to have such a fun time, from going to kenny's for cocktails after thursday's fabulous evening presentation by the asian church (nothing on the schedule except a band party at cairnwood - not of interest to either of us) to being the last people to leave saturday night's four alnwick road open houses (jenn & kurt's to bob & marilyn's to rick & kelly's to sarah & jeff's). at the open house, anne would come up to me and say, "i think we should go." i'd ask - "do you WANT to go?" and she'd admit she really didn't. so we stayed. and stayed. and stayed. she got to talk to kurt hy. asplundh about keyboards, to kurt ho. asplundh (at bob & marilyn's) for over 30 minutes, to barry & edith rabone (rick & kelly's), sarah elsing & the original elsa (sarah & jeff's place was the carpenter house, where anne spent a good bit of her early years, visiting her bff, macy). and when we finally left, the two of us sat on the very back seat of an elongated golf cart, giggling & hanging on for dear life because we were facing the retreating road!

i do not see myself as someone who is going to have deep, insightful doctrinal discussions with scholarly types; am certainly not able to talk about what's up with the kids (mine being 4-legged & furry); am not one to shoot the breeze about sports. what i most definitely am is absolutely hooked on people, all sorts of people. and i wave my enthusiasm for humanity like a delegate waving the flag at a political convention - with utter joy.

for many many years, i felt like my pulling back was some deep inner flaw. no way, jose. just part of my funky nature. let it out & let it be!

quotable quotes

thinking about the structure of my book got me pondering resources v. experiences. know i want to honor the voices & reference materials that were navigators & mechanics on this life journey.

ah, the voices. am blessed with a keen memory, which - as mentioned in previous posts - has helped keep me on even keel. remembering voices that resounded throughout my life, leaving lessons behind.

the first words ever spoken about me set me apart as different from anyone else in the family - doc andy's amazed comment about my red hair. sort of set the stage, in a way.

next up would be peter's oft-repeated (by mom) admonition, "mother, you'll have to take care of this one." ian was his.

peter also voiced the next comment i'm aware of (also oft-repeated by mom), regretting my lack of redeeming qualities, "why must she always speak such drivel?" (the 14-year gap helps explain the disconnect, but i seriously did speak amazing drivel through all my years, at least in prl's experience).

this last comment gives me special pause. i was so very different from his experience of mim as a sister. he could always find something of interest to talk with her about since she was deeply interested in and involved with sports, whereas my #1 interest from 1958 onward was television.

finding that interesting - 1958. didn't realize until this very moment that my hardcore interest, my fantasy world based around it, started in '58. thought it was earlier, when ian was still alive. but just googled "jeff spencer" and "77 sunset strip" and there it was - roger smith played the part from 1958-1963. and robert vaughn as napoleon solo stepped in the very next year.

1958. that year resounds throughout my being. and illustrates my whimsically practical way of dealing with things touching my life ~ in the midst of an increasing (albeit rarely verbalized & never open) hostile home environment, i seized the only life preserver that seemed to present itself & i clung to it for dear life.

until the right life guard - john - came along to help me unpry my arms from around it & lead me to sound footing on safe ground.

this book writing could turn out to be way more interesting than i expected.

how does a person start writing a book?

although i want to talk to amanda, there are things i can do that don't depend on that. what do i want to discuss? what is the core of my story?

life might have a certain feel of making sense, but it's been my experience that living has turned out to be unusually counter-intuitive. will spend the next day or so trying to figure out what in the blue blazes i mean by that statement.

suns, stars & stories

From my earliest years to her last ones, Mom took special delight in singing a silly children's ditty ~ Tell me a story! Tell me a story! Tell me a story - you told me that you would! Tell me about the birds & bees, how to make a chicken sneeze. Tell me a story, you promised that you would!

One of the great truths revealed to me in this, my 60th year, is that - in spite of their apparent substance - our bodies are mere appearance. And our spirit is what is most real about us, but can't be experienced on this plane of existence. Which leaves us with what DOES define us, what makes us who we are, what changes with every moment of every day, from our first breath to our last - our stories. We are the sum total of our stories. And since they are forever changing, so are we.

Sure, it looks & feels like we're made up of stuff; it feels like we have a brain that's inside our head & outside our being, at the same time; and spiritual types are assuring that we have a greater reality than the mere physical.

I have no idea what's what with probably 1/1,000,000,000,000,000th of what actually is, but I do know, as I ease out of my 50s, that what makes me ME at this moment in time are my stories. And I'm going to write a book about that - Sneezing Chickens. I promised that I would.