engagement

came across an interesting e-mail from a s-i-l to my mom, sent eons ago (okay, in 1997). she was taking several bows on her boldness in calling me out (via internet) on my "temper tantrums" - times i banged my head repeatedly against the wall or ran out into the frigid cold to cool down after a family disagreement.

she was quite proud to have done "what one else dared."

and she was completely correct - she literally was the only one of my birth family to note & comment on such behaviors. from my youngest days, whenever i evidenced self-destructive behaviors, everyone politely & utterly ignored them.

ah hem... guys ~ a 40+ year old woman banging her head repeatedly against the wall - hard - or running out into the cold are both pretty loud calls for HELP, not mere outbursts of a nasty temperament.

thank goodness for john. he not only became engaged to me but also brought the blessed ability to engage with me. can still recall when, within the first few months of being married, i went ballistic with him over some trivial thing. rather than respond in kind, he seemed to step back - step away - as he gently asked, "what is the matter?"

my jaw dropped. i stood there, agog & silent. huh??

again, he asked - "what is the matter?"

my mind whirled as i realized the man was sincere, that he actually wanted to hear WHAT had sent me off on a rant.

i sputtered out, "you said such & such & so & so!!!!"

"oh," said john. "you heard me say...." and repeated back to me almost verbatim what i thought he'd meant. "no wonder you're upset," he continued, "what i meant by what i said was..." and he told me. and i got it. and peace - and mutual understanding - prevailed.

in a swoosh of amazement, it hit me - i married the relationship long sought within my family & never found: someone willing to hear out my story. not necessarily agree with it, just hear it.

never in my wildest dreams had i dared hope to find the answer to my unspoken prayers. and here he was - and he was my husband!!